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Just Because You Can Crochet Something, Should You?

Before I get into this blog, I need to warn everyone, if you are easily offended, turn back now. This blog is going to be walking that fine line between what is and isn’t safe for work. I also don’t want any hate mail over my sense of humor.

With that out of the way, a friend and I were talking about how we don’t understand crochet bathing suits. I mean, I have seen some really cute ones, but I wouldn’t wear them. I am not comfortable enough with my body to wear something that has the potential to show my lady bits in public. Take this bikini for instance…

It’s kind of cute. I’m not a fan of the pink and orange, but being something homemade one can customize the colours. The problem is there is no lining, and when yarn gets wet, it tends to stretch a bit. It also tends to get a bit uncomfortable. There is potential for chafing here. I know someone is thinking “It’s made to tan in”. No, no it wasn’t. Not according to the designer, who tells you to make it from cotton yarn, as it holds up better to water than acrylic.

As I said, I don’t understand crochet bathing suits. That’s just me. However, there are things that I understand even less. Things that make a crochet bathing suit seem sensible. Things that make me think, “Just because you can crochet anything, doesn’t mean you should crochet anything.”

I know someone is thinking that about crochet menstrual pads and tampons fall under that category, but my inner hippy is okay with those things because they serve a useful purpose and help save the environment.

I am talking about skimpy crochet underwear.

Maybe a better question should be “Just because you can crochet something, should you model it on the internet?” The thought of wearing a crochet thong just makes me really uncomfortable, especially if it’s made out of anything other than crochet thread. I suppose something like this isn’t made with the idea of wearing it all day…or very long at all. That’s not the point, we are still talking about butt floss here and the wedgie potential.

Curious how many people buy things like this, I made the mistake of going into the Etsy reviews for this listing. Oh yes, this is posted on Etsy. I bet you thought I found these on eBay. What made this weird is people have posted pictures of themselves modeling the items this designer makes in the review section. I did not need to read about the guy who bought a pair of crocheted female underwear and how well they fit and now nothing fell out out. I also did not need to see pictures of strange men modeling crocheted man thongs. Some things are private and the rest of the world just doesn’t need to know. I think most of us can agree on that.

While female underwear will almost get a pass from me because female stuff does tend to be lacy and sometimes embellished with needlepoint, dudes underwear is a different story.

I blocked out the designers name because I didn’t want anyone coming back saying I was  making fun of the designer for making these. I’m not. Go forth and do you, whatever that is. I find mesh men’s underwear weird. If I am honest, I find a lot of men’s underwear weird. I’m not a guy so I don’t know how boxers are worn without them bunching up in jeans. I don’t understand how budgie smugglers are comfortable. I feel like things that shouldn’t be compressed are, kind of like wearing a bra that is a few sizes too small. I also think men, outside of pro bodybuilders on stage, shouldn’t wear thongs. Dude butts just look weird framed in a thong. I would rather see a naked butt than a butt in a thong, but that’s just me. You may feel differently.

There there is this. I didn’t even know that people crocheted these…

I still don’t know what to say to this. The elephant is cute but beyond that…words escape me. I am also concerned about how well these hold up with just a string to hold them on.

There are a few other things wrong here….like the listing…

It’s a great gift for husband/ lover/ boyfriend/ son/ dad /grandpa.

Excuse me what? The last people I am going to buy or make something like this for is my son, dad, or grandpa. That’s just not right on so many levels.

There was a listing for one that I found that stated that it would be a little scratchy because of the yarn (someone used cheap acrylic yarn). I was thinking why in the world someone want to wear it knowing that? I was trying to find that listing again to get the exact working that was used when I came across this…

I will never look at Magikarp the same way again.

WHY do people do things like this? WHY?? Better yet, who wears these things? I really want to know what goes through someones head when they decide to design things like this. Who comes up with a Magikarp penis cover? Seriously? Who sees a Magikarp and thinks, “That would be so sexy on a dick!” Oh yes, the listing says “Sexy Men’s Thong”. Better yet, what makes someone think to design and make this stuff and sell it? How do you explain to people what your business is?

The other thing I want to know, the bulk of the listings for willy warmers & thongs like this, state that the size is customizable. How does one get past the awkward of ordering something like this and telling someone what size they need? And I am not talking about waist size here.

Before someone starts wondering if I have been in a lingerie store before, I have. I have seen elephants and snakes and anteaters and other animals in thong form. They were also made out of silk or satin…not crochet yarn. I can’t see crochet yarn making these comfortable. I am also not going to test this theory by making some of these and sending them to my guy friends and asking for feedback. Even in the name of very questionable science they would tell me “No”, then ask what the hell was wrong with me. Well, except for one guy…but we all have that one friend.

I don’t know if I should laugh or cry. Just when you thought that it couldn’t go any further off the deep end than Magikarp…

And speaking of the deep end, I am going to leave you all with this, just because it’s Shark Week (no, I will not be making this)…

 

 

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